So, yesterday, when I was changing the contacts over from my old phone to my new phone, I realized I still had my PopPop's cell # stored in it.
At first I stared at it for a while, not really sure what to do, just remembering for a bit. Then rational Nik started yapping, saying of course there was really no reason to have it stored there anymore, it probably already belonged to someone else, and really this was taking way too long for a simple phone number that I'd never have a reason to call anymore. But of course, it wasn't just a simple phone number. It was PopPop's phone number. And making the active decision to delete it meant I was making an active decision to delete a reminder of him. Even though I have so many other reminders (pictures, memories, letters, etc) that aren't related to this.
After a few minutes of thinking, I deleted it. The indecision and open-endedness just got to be too much, and I had to do something. And I knew that if I didn't do something permanent, I would keep thinking about it forever now that it was in my mind. So I made a decision that I couldn't undo. And now ... I'm glad I did, but I wish I hadn't. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's the best way I can describe how I feel.
It's so strange ... only 10 years ago these little devices we call cell phones were a novelty, a tool to be used, nothing particularly special. Certainly they didn't contain anything particularly special. And now, for whatever reason, deleting a 10-digit # that I couldn't tell from Adam off of a microchip just feels so much more permanent, so much more meaningful, than anything else I could possibly do. It's so strange.
Love you PopPop.