Friday, December 31, 2010

I have a Problem

It really takes a lot to man up and admit this, but they say the first step towards recovery is admission, so here goes:

I have a Jersey Shore Problem. Like Brokeback, I just ... can't ... quit ... it! As you first start watching these people go through life, you're forced to wonder: is it all an act? People can't really be this way, can they??? And then slowly it dawns on you that they may not have been exactly that way before, but the seeds were there, and all the camera's done is let them flourish into the beautiful, exotic, poison-venomed invasive species that they are today. If you think about it, they've accomplished a rather impressive feat. Just like invasive flora and fauna, they're ruining life for themselves and everyone around them, but they're having a hell of a party and eating up every free resource while doing it. They've managed to build themselves a universe where everything is about them and no one else ... all implicitly premised on the undeniable fact that it's actually all about the 20 million people watching them every week.

It's a fascinating and captivating documentary into what we, as a species, are capable of turning ourselves into if circumstances allow. You watch with a mixture of awe and horror. It takes a trainwreck's captivating power, mixes it with some fake tan lotion, and slathers it onto 4 ripped guys who never wear a shirt. How can you NOT watch???

So if I see a Jersey Shore link, I have ... to ... click. And this morning, I was directed thus: New Years Eve will go down in Jersey Shore for Snooki

The crux is that Snooki was going to come down in a glass ball (not THE glass ball) in Times Square, but then NYC found out about it and told them hell no. So she (and MTV) moved it to the site where it all began: Jersey Shore. You should definitely click on the link and read the whole thing, but here are the BEST parts:

[Snooki] will drop inside a ball on New Year's Eve in a location where she has fallen before: The Jersey Shore.
Ewww....

The location has been switched to Seaside Heights, N.J., where season 1 and the upcoming season 3 of Jersey Shore were filmed.
There's an upcoming Season 3?? Joygasm! I wonder which of the boys got the most ripped over the break??

"She cannot be denied," MTB said in a statement.
I have a horrible, terrible feeling that this may actually be true. And yet I SOOO want someone to try...

"It was never intended or requested for Snooki to be in the actual New Year's Eve Ball in Times Square," the producers say in a statement.
Thank god some things remain sacred.

No word on if her costars, who planned to attempt a Guinness world record-breaking fist-pumping marathon, will hold up their end of the deal
Such a thing exists? And we give out records for it?

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